Looking after yourself
Keeping your own life, work and relationships while you care
Caring for a parent can spread into your job, your household and your own plans. These are ways carers talk to employers, bring the household in, and keep something for themselves.
Your laptop is open on the kitchen counter for a nine o'clock call, your phone is lighting up with a message from your dad's neighbour, and your son wants to know whether you are coming to his match at the weekend. Caring for a parent can have a way of spreading into every corner of a week until not much of it feels like yours. Nothing on this page is medical or legal advice; it is general information. What it won't do is weigh your parent's needs against your own.
Your own life alongside caring
The Government of Canada's National Seniors Council says caring can be rewarding and build meaningful connections, but that it is demanding work which can limit many aspects of life. The National Seniors Council also says carers' mental, physical and financial health may suffer. Anything going on with your own health is worth taking to your own doctor. Carers UK notes that, fulfilling as caring can be, it can also be demanding and can sometimes put a strain on your relationships. Family Caregiver Alliance says that focusing on your own needs and wishes as a carer is not selfish, and is an important part of the job.
What we don’t claim here
We don’t tell you whether what you are feeling is serious, or where ordinary ends and something that needs attention begins. No authority sets that threshold, so we don’t imply one.
Who can weigh it: your own doctor, who knows you and your situation. Where to take it →
Raising caring with your employer
Carers UK says that although it can be hard to raise caring at work, telling your employer can be positive, and that doing it while things still feel manageable gives you both time to plan for when you may need help. Government of Canada tips suggest booking a time to talk with your employer or manager, and thinking through beforehand how caring and work affect each other. Carers UK suggests making notes on what you want to discuss, saying that writing down the key points can help you feel better prepared.
Know what flexibility can look like
Government of Canada tips list workplace options that could help, such as telework, personal days off, job sharing, leaves of absence, employee assistance programmes and workplace support groups, as examples that some workplaces have. Family Caregiver Alliance, a US organisation, says the work adjustment most often requested is flexibility in working hours, which may include a shifted, compressed or part-time schedule, job sharing or working from home. Government of Canada tips encourage being open to other arrangements and working with your employer to find one you can both accept. Any formal rights around caring and work depend on the country you work in, so they aren't covered here.
Bring the household into it
Family Caregiver Alliance suggests a meeting of your immediate household to work out how to share tasks and responsibilities, and in that meeting letting each person talk about their feelings without being judged. Family Caregiver Alliance also suggests answering children's questions directly and listening to their concerns without brushing them aside.
Keep one thing that is yours
MedlinePlus Magazine, from the US National Institutes of Health, suggests trying to do something for yourself every day, and says that even a short walk or a few minutes of quiet away from caring can help recharge your batteries.
Set limits, and ask for help
Family Caregiver Alliance suggests working out what you can and cannot change, and lists being unable to say no as one of the things that might be causing stress. Carers UK suggests seeing whether other family members or friends can help give you a break when you need one; A break from caring, and who can step in sets out who else might cover. Family Caregiver Alliance says help can come from community resources, family, friends and professionals, and that reaching out for help when you need it is a sign of personal strength. Sharing the load with siblings and family is about sharing caring among relatives, and questions about what your parent needs beyond what you can give are worth bringing to their doctor or care team.
When to ask a professional
This guide stops where a professional’s judgment starts. Bring what you’ve noticed, plainly, to your own doctor.
Sources
The outside sources this guide draws on.
Secondary: Established in recognised guidance, summarised here.
- SecondaryNational Seniors Council (Canada), Dialogue: Caregivers of older adults, no date given
- SecondaryCarers UK, Your relationships, no date given
- SecondaryCarers Wales, Talking about your caring role, no date given
- SecondaryGovernment of Canada, Balancing work and caregiving responsibilities, no date given
- SecondaryFamily Caregiver Alliance (US), Work and Eldercare, no date given
- SecondaryFamily Caregiver Alliance (US), Sandwiched In: Caregivers in the Middle, no date given
- SecondaryFamily Caregiver Alliance (US), Taking Care of YOU: Self-Care for Family Caregivers, 2012
- SecondaryMedlinePlus Magazine, US National Institutes of Health, Caring for yourself while caring for others, 2024
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How we source
Carefulness, made visible.
Named, not counted
Each guide names its sources and tags each one Primary or Secondary. It never counts sources at you.
Holding back
Where a part isn’t confirmed, a guide runs shorter and says what is missing.
Naming the limit
Every guide names where its authority ends, and who to ask instead.