Sharing the load with siblings and family

Your brother is the one who drops in on the way home from work, takes the bins out and drives your mum to the shops on a Saturday. You ring on Sunday evenings from far away. Between the two of you, the work has found its own shape. What follows is information rather than medical advice. Who in your family does what is not something this page hands out: that is for your family, your parent included, to work out together.

Name the arrangement you already have

In many cases, according to a 2023 page from the US National Institute on Aging, one person takes on most of the everyday responsibilities of caring for an older person, and it tends to be a spouse, or the child or sibling who lives closest. The US Family Caregiver Alliance, in its 2011 article Caregiving with Your Siblings, notes that families often don't think through who becomes the main caregiver, or what supporting roles everyone else will play.

Put the work into words

The Institute's page suggests deciding who will be responsible for which tasks. Where one sibling has become a parent's caregiver, the siblings article says the family needs to spell out clearly what that person will be expected to do. The Alliance's 2014 Handbook for Long-Distance Caregivers suggests dividing the duties by starting with people volunteering. When you ask a brother or sister for something, the siblings article's advice is to ask directly and be specific.

Find the share that travels

In the handbook's account, a relative who lives far away may be the main person overseeing care, or a mainstay for someone else, perhaps a sibling, who is. Either way, the handbook says a distant caregiver can expect two key roles: gathering information and coordinating services. Help with bills is on its list of things a distant relative can do, along with emotional support for the parent and for the rest of the caring team; the formal side of handling a parent's money differs by where your parent lives. The siblings article also suggests that a sibling doing most of the caring might ask the others to put money towards services or a break from caring, or to phone them for support.

Keep everyone in the same conversation

The Institute suggests starting with a meeting or call that includes your parent and everyone who will be involved in their care. Calling a family meeting as early, and later as often, as possible is the siblings article's suggestion, and in the handbook a meeting can happen in person, on a phone conference call, by email or a mix, so that family far away can take part. Straight after a meeting, one person can send round notes of what was decided, which the handbook says will help keep everyone on track.

Disagree without losing your parent's voice

The handbook puts the person who needs care in the middle of it: involve them in decision-making as much as possible, and respect the values and preferences they express even where these differ from yours. At a family meeting, it advises against attacks, accusations and blame. With a brother or sister's reaction, the siblings article suggests trying to imagine the fear, pain or need behind it. If a meeting is likely to be difficult, a facilitator such as a social worker, therapist or religious leader could be invited, in the handbook's suggestion.

Leave the health questions with their doctor or care team

With your parent's agreement, one person can be the family's voice with health professionals; the handbook suggests appointing someone to that role, and notes it need not be the main caregiver. Questions about your parent's health are worth bringing to their doctor or care team rather than settling between siblings, and your parent can be in on those conversations as far as they wish. Setting up a support network from a distance and Getting organized: documents, contacts, and access pick up the practical side.