How to check in without hovering

You ring on your way home, and before he has finished saying hello you are asking whether he got out today and what he had for lunch. There is a pause, and then a slightly clipped "I'm fine." Two questions in, the call has drifted from catching up into checking up. This page holds no ideal number of calls and no list of things to listen out for. Where health comes into it, what follows is information rather than medical advice.

Ask them how they'd like to keep in touch

In its Tips for supporting older relatives in isolation, written for families, the Welsh body Social Care Wales advises respecting their wishes about how and how often you keep in touch. That makes the rhythm a question to put to your parent rather than one to settle for them. Longer calls or shorter ones, more of them or fewer: the answer is theirs, and it can change. Your own wish to know they're all right is real too, and it is something you can say out loud when you ask.

Let the call be about the two of you

NIH MedlinePlus Magazine, a US government health publication, describes regular communication as key. What fills it can be entirely ordinary: the garden, the neighbour's new car, a book one of you is reading. A call where your parent does some of the asking, about your week or your work, is a conversation between two adults rather than an interview, and your news is part of what you bring.

Say a worry out loud, together

The UK charity Age UK suggests that one of the best things you can do is talk concerns over together, listening to each other. Putting a worry on the table in plain words makes it something the two of you discuss, rather than something you are privately checking.

Leave room for a rhythm of their own

The UK charity Independent Age, in advice written for older people themselves, suggests that a call at a regular time can give them something to look forward to. That advice speaks to your parent's side of the line, so whether a set time suits them, and which one, is for them to say. Visits work on the same terms, in Making the most of visits, and Respecting their independence and choices looks at the idea behind both.

Hand health questions to the professionals

Questions about their health are worth raising with their doctor or care team, with your parent in that conversation where they want to be. The UK charity Age UK notes that professionals who work with older people, such as occupational therapists, physiotherapists, doctors or nurses, can give expert help and advice. For anything that can't wait, How to reach urgent help, wherever you are sets out how to reach emergency services and the care team.